Dear NaBloWhaFo,

I think I don't wanna be your friend anymore. I'm tired, having just come from visiting my parents and sister for my dad's birthday (I said nice things about him last year, which was not amidst this BloPo crap, and happy birthday dad)). They have a big fancy pants TV and wine that comes in reeallllly big bottles and this chocolate cheesecake thingy, with an espresso mousse top, and toasted almonds, and holy crap was it freaking awesome. I drank some vino ate some, and Dave drove home while I practically snored in the passenger seat.

But back to NaBloPoMoFo. Apparently I don't have much to say, and certainly not enough to keep it interesting. Hell, the 3 people who read this rag of a blog have probably left given how uber boring it's been around here. Ooooh they want to re-do their kitchen! Ooooh there's their ugly linoleum! Oooh they had dinner. Oooh something funny in the news! How charming! Bleh!

I think the issue that I have with you, NaBloPoFoWha, is that I like this whole writing thing and sharing little quips about our life in the 'shwa, but frankly think the blogosphere hearing from me Every. Day. On. End. is enough to make all of the three people who read this blog run away, and perhaps screaming. There are only so many quips I can share before I get to be posting the cat. And I've seriously considered it.

I will work it out, though. I will finish you like leftovers in the fridge I don't want to go to waste, even though you didn't taste so great the first time, and are even raunchier after a thorough microwaving. Because I started, and damnit I will finish. I'm stubborn like that.

So please, dear three people who read this, bear with me. I promise when the "must-come-up-with-post, oh-hell-no-time-to-be-funny-or-witty, just barf words on internet" stuff is over I'll lay off and try think of actual, interesting posts. Less quantity, and hopefully, more quality (but the only thing I promise without budging is less quantity). Try not to be driven away by the level of inane-ness my blog currently has. I'm working on it.

Sincerely,
Crankpants in the 'shwa

Dear Neighbour to the North,

I'm yelling this because I know you have trouble hearing. Even though we've lived here for more than a year, we've only met a couple of times, both of them very briefly. I always say hello, and after the first few times you completely ignored me I make sure to yell extra loud and you usually acknowledge me.

You seem to enjoy your golden years as you're very rarely home. I see you home one day after being away for weeks on end, and it lets me imagine you're some big drug kingpin, moving drugs across international borders. I picture you, maybe five feet tall, slightly hunched forward, handgun in your bright purple elastic waist pants, white hair perfectly permed, and a scowl on your face talking about moving product or "the pigs" and it gives me a laugh. I worry about you, as a major drug lord being the victim of a coup, if only because you couldn't hear your underlings plotting it. Thanks for letting me indulge my completely overactive imagination because of the odd hours you keep.

Also, I think it's cute you drive a little VW Jetta in bright turqouise. That too adds nicely to the image and helps you fly nicely under the radar.

I'm writing you today to ask about your car alarm, since your driveway is just feet from our bedroom window. Please don't have me "whacked" or "taken care of" for doing so.

Last night at 1:40 it went off - just a constant Honk! Honk! Honk! but still, rather annoying. It happened at a rather inopportune time, given that only minutes before I had finally fallen asleep, with my throat feeling like it was on fire, and coughing spells keeping me up before that. When it finally stopped I happily went back to sleep.

Around 4:10 in the morning I was again awakened to the Honk! Honk! Honk! of your Jetta screaming "I'm being stolen" again, when in fact the only perpetrator was the wind. All I could see was this idiot car honking and flashing its lights in the dark of the night in a desperate plea to not be stolen by the wind. After five minutes again, it shut off. I doubt you ever heard it going off.

Then at 7:00 this morning I was awakened to your alarm going off for the third time. At that point my frustration reached levels that made me realize I would not be able to fall asleep again, and I got up. Also, all the cold goo had amassed in my throat and I needed to get rid of it so I could breathe, having resigned myself to a week of being a mouth breather. I was politely hacking up a lung at 7:20 when it went off the fourth time.

As I type this, I can hear it going off a fifth time.

On windy nights, please turn off your car alarm. Also, should the drug dealer stuff be true please don't whack me.

Sincerely,
Snotty-Nose McSorethroat

Dog park drama

Dear Toothless Mary (of dog park fame),

I'm really sorry I don't know your real name, and I'm also a little bit sorry I picked such a mean-spirited moniker to apply to you, but it's really stuck since we first saw you at the dog park and neither Dave nor I can call you anything else at this point, even if we did know your real name.

First, I love the way I can usually smell you before I see you. Sometimes a wee nip in the evenings is no big deal but last I checked dog walking really isn't what you'd call a conventional drinking activity. Kudos for thinking outside the box on that one! Maybe you could drink peppermint schnapps like my grade 12 teacher so people will think it's scope!

I'll get to the point of this letter. Sure your dog is cute, but walking an active husky on a 40 foot rope? Not such a great idea. I get that huskies run away. Heck, any dog can run away, but attaching a 40 foot rope to your dog? That's not a solution. All it does is get caught on things, get dragged through the mud (you'll notice it's been a wee bit rainy of late).

Also? It really wouldn't stop the dog from running away from you because you rarely have the other end of the rope. See, a fail safe system would involve you holding the end of the rope. It's kinda like kite flying - useless unless you're still holding the string. The only way you could get him if he ran away would be to hope he got less than a 39 foot lead on you.

And, beyond not really being a solution, I'll tell you it's not exactly safe. Since you sport the combination of boozey and toothless that leads me to approach you with stereotypes (totally not fair, I agree), I'd be happy to explain why to you.

You'll notice the dog park we both use is full of both people and dogs. And, funny enough, as a fairly social place, both tend to congregate together.

You'll also notice that, since dogs are pack animals, and people are social too, it can lead to problems when one of those dogs is on a 40 foot rope. Dogs, when they congregate together do things like run around their owners. And the other dogs. This is where I take issue with the "dog + 40 foot rope" combination.

After an incident the other night I have to say a pattern is emerging.

This summer, I saw you and your dog + rope combo standing around in a group of people with their dogs. I kept walking with our dogs but witnessed something that bothered me. Your dog was running around with his rope up getting caught around a little girl's feet, causing her to fall and leaving some rope marks on her ankle. Now, in the scheme of things that's really not THAT bad, and, since I wasn't her parent I didn't say anything because I kinda figured it was her parents' job.

But last night? Come on. It was the same freaking thing! Only I was the victim! When your dog ran around the group we was standing in, wrapping the rope of a running husky around my legs. Now, there was no blood, but I have to say the rope of a running husky around one's ankle? Not a pleasant experience. The mud that's now all over my pants? Well they weren't good pants, because I knew I was going to the dog park in them, but seriously! I now have to launder them and hope the mud comes out because you think it's appropriate to have your dog run around on a big giant rope.

And, I have to say it kinda got my goat that you didn't bother to say "oh I'm sorry" or anything.

You're the owner. If your dog isn't socialized enough to stick around you, then perhaps you should invest in a leash and walk the dog in the park that way, or, you should not bring your dog to the park. There has to be some solution between "dog running away" and "injuring other park users."

So, I really didn't say anything last time, but next time? Not sure I'll keep it to myself.

Sincerely,

Cranky vonMuddypants