Dear Neighbour to the North,

I'm yelling this because I know you have trouble hearing. Even though we've lived here for more than a year, we've only met a couple of times, both of them very briefly. I always say hello, and after the first few times you completely ignored me I make sure to yell extra loud and you usually acknowledge me.

You seem to enjoy your golden years as you're very rarely home. I see you home one day after being away for weeks on end, and it lets me imagine you're some big drug kingpin, moving drugs across international borders. I picture you, maybe five feet tall, slightly hunched forward, handgun in your bright purple elastic waist pants, white hair perfectly permed, and a scowl on your face talking about moving product or "the pigs" and it gives me a laugh. I worry about you, as a major drug lord being the victim of a coup, if only because you couldn't hear your underlings plotting it. Thanks for letting me indulge my completely overactive imagination because of the odd hours you keep.

Also, I think it's cute you drive a little VW Jetta in bright turqouise. That too adds nicely to the image and helps you fly nicely under the radar.

I'm writing you today to ask about your car alarm, since your driveway is just feet from our bedroom window. Please don't have me "whacked" or "taken care of" for doing so.

Last night at 1:40 it went off - just a constant Honk! Honk! Honk! but still, rather annoying. It happened at a rather inopportune time, given that only minutes before I had finally fallen asleep, with my throat feeling like it was on fire, and coughing spells keeping me up before that. When it finally stopped I happily went back to sleep.

Around 4:10 in the morning I was again awakened to the Honk! Honk! Honk! of your Jetta screaming "I'm being stolen" again, when in fact the only perpetrator was the wind. All I could see was this idiot car honking and flashing its lights in the dark of the night in a desperate plea to not be stolen by the wind. After five minutes again, it shut off. I doubt you ever heard it going off.

Then at 7:00 this morning I was awakened to your alarm going off for the third time. At that point my frustration reached levels that made me realize I would not be able to fall asleep again, and I got up. Also, all the cold goo had amassed in my throat and I needed to get rid of it so I could breathe, having resigned myself to a week of being a mouth breather. I was politely hacking up a lung at 7:20 when it went off the fourth time.

As I type this, I can hear it going off a fifth time.

On windy nights, please turn off your car alarm. Also, should the drug dealer stuff be true please don't whack me.

Sincerely,
Snotty-Nose McSorethroat

The weekend in point form

I won't pretend our lives are exciting and full of jet-setting weekends, but here's the recap:

• Friday night bachelorette party in the city. The honouree was gorgeous in her "bride to be" tiara. I'm officially afraid of what my girls will be doing to me shortly. My sister's evil laugh doesn't give me any reassurance.
  

• We inherited an electric lawnmower for when the push mower just won't cut it. If only we had a working plug outside!

• Shared a wicked good Thai dinner out in Toronto with friend Saturday we hadn't seen in WAY too long. Remembered why there's no way I could live in Toronto, if only for the road rage I get driving down Yonge to Eglington. Dinner was followed by an evening of drinks (well only a Guinness for me cause I was driving) and much needed catching up at a pub with the best service known to human kind. Poor Ottawa lost. Late in the evening a drunk dude sat down with us (well much to my friend's chagrin, I invited him 'cause I'm all about having random drunk dude stories). He told un-funny jokes but he did make me bust out laughing when he winked at me and stuck his tongue out. Ew. The Firkin pub at Eglington and Yonge has the best service I think I've ever had at a restaurant.
  

• Dave spent Saturday night at a Bachelor party, the drunken debauchery we encountered on the way home reminded me of some younger days when I was "that guy." The blackmail photos are fantastic and the "I love you mans" and toasts to their women were abound. I even got called beautiful. Man I love beer goggles. Poor Dave passed out mid sentence on the way home. :)

• Dog park Saturday I was disappointed the tadpoles hadn't spouted legs yet. Every spring when I was a kid we caught tadpoles (and fed them raw hamburg which, looking back, probably wasn't good for them) and watched them grow legs and turn into frogs. Apparently they still fascinate me cause I had to run to catch up to Dave and the dogs after staring at them in the water.

• Saw a beautiful black swallowtail butterfly at the park too after the dog nearly stepped on and ate it. Yeah they're even clumsier than I am.
  

• We bought two rose bushes but the debate rages on as to where we should plant them. (doncha wish your life was as exciting as ours?)
  

• We now have a weeding tool, but have yet to use it on the dandelions on our lawn. There are only a few, so it's not that bad but any removal I suspect will be futile because our odd neighbour who is NEVER home (we've seen three times since moving here) has a lawn that's mostly yellow with a few patches of green, so it's safe to say we'll never win this battle. I'm just glad she hasn't sprayed any pesticides. I still say dandelions are pretty but some suburbs conformity has come over me and I feel the need to take them out.
  

• We looked at wedding bands. Think I've got mine picked out and Dave's narrowed his choices down to about five. We were delightfully surprised to find some that didn't look like they were mass produced.
  

• I seem to have remarkable wallpaper karma because it's coming off amazingly easy. Even better than that, the walls underneath (old lathe and plaster) hasn't been too bad a surprise. We were expecting the worst knowing that lots of people use wallpaper to hide really bad flaws in walls. Ours definitely have flaws, but the wallpaper isn't hiding anything too bad so far. Plus, it's coming off remarkably well with just vinegar and water.