Scene of the Crime

On or about the 10th day of December, at the City of Oshawa, in the region of Durham the writer was investigating a mischief (well) under $5000 complaint.*

Complainant is female, and reports hearing something smash on the floor in the middle of the night last night. Upon arriving on scene, writer found no evidence of fingerprints or forced entry to the residence.

Upon entering living room writer found a Christmas tree and met with the complainant and her husband. The complainant indicated she and her husband decorated their first Christmas tree days beforehand while dancing to this song. Complainant's husband denies any dancing was involved.


The source of the breaking glass the complainant heard was easy to find - a shattered ornament landing on brick flooring. Based on earlier observation of no forced entry, writer determined this was an inside job.


Writer observed a great deal of pet hair, specifically belonging to a cat on the tree skirt and from that deduced that two suspects - cats known to reside at the complainant's residence were the likely suspects.

I first questioned Rhett, cat suspect #1 but he provided little information to aid the investigation, and was clearly more interested in food than playing games with Christmas tree bulbs. He was quickly eliminated as a suspect, but writer thinks a search warrant for catnip may be necessary given the animal's appearance (glossy eyes, disinterest in anything other than eating, sleeping and attention). Complainant apologized for obvious dust problems on lamp and cat footprints that make said dust issues evident.


When I started to examine the glass bulb on the floor a bit more closely, the prime suspect, Scarlett the cat showed a keen interest in my investigation. From this interest, it was clear to me the only remaining suspect was the culprit. My suspicions were confirmed when the complainant conceded that she had seen Scarlett bat a glass ornament around the hardwood floor with vigour the day before.


Unable to see any reason I could bring a cat before the courts, I released her with a warning. Complainant indicates she has no fears for her safety but will advise police should there be any further incidents and will move any low hanging bulbs from the reach of said cat.
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*This is not a real police report. If it was, it would be replete with (even more) spelling and grammatical errors than are currently found in the post.