Sunday, October 29, 2006

Dear Neighbour to the North,

I'm yelling this because I know you have trouble hearing. Even though we've lived here for more than a year, we've only met a couple of times, both of them very briefly. I always say hello, and after the first few times you completely ignored me I make sure to yell extra loud and you usually acknowledge me.

You seem to enjoy your golden years as you're very rarely home. I see you home one day after being away for weeks on end, and it lets me imagine you're some big drug kingpin, moving drugs across international borders. I picture you, maybe five feet tall, slightly hunched forward, handgun in your bright purple elastic waist pants, white hair perfectly permed, and a scowl on your face talking about moving product or "the pigs" and it gives me a laugh. I worry about you, as a major drug lord being the victim of a coup, if only because you couldn't hear your underlings plotting it. Thanks for letting me indulge my completely overactive imagination because of the odd hours you keep.

Also, I think it's cute you drive a little VW Jetta in bright turqouise. That too adds nicely to the image and helps you fly nicely under the radar.

I'm writing you today to ask about your car alarm, since your driveway is just feet from our bedroom window. Please don't have me "whacked" or "taken care of" for doing so.

Last night at 1:40 it went off - just a constant Honk! Honk! Honk! but still, rather annoying. It happened at a rather inopportune time, given that only minutes before I had finally fallen asleep, with my throat feeling like it was on fire, and coughing spells keeping me up before that. When it finally stopped I happily went back to sleep.

Around 4:10 in the morning I was again awakened to the Honk! Honk! Honk! of your Jetta screaming "I'm being stolen" again, when in fact the only perpetrator was the wind. All I could see was this idiot car honking and flashing its lights in the dark of the night in a desperate plea to not be stolen by the wind. After five minutes again, it shut off. I doubt you ever heard it going off.

Then at 7:00 this morning I was awakened to your alarm going off for the third time. At that point my frustration reached levels that made me realize I would not be able to fall asleep again, and I got up. Also, all the cold goo had amassed in my throat and I needed to get rid of it so I could breathe, having resigned myself to a week of being a mouth breather. I was politely hacking up a lung at 7:20 when it went off the fourth time.

As I type this, I can hear it going off a fifth time.

On windy nights, please turn off your car alarm. Also, should the drug dealer stuff be true please don't whack me.

Snotty-Nose McSorethroat


Nancy said...

There is nothing more irritating than those extra-sensitive car alarms. Especially when you're sick and needing your sleep.

Take care of yourself and I hope you feel better soon.

ElaineMI said...

OK, this wind/car alarm thingie made me want to share this. True story. I'll provide references. (My apologies to anybody anybody that will be offended.)

My husband, Bill, his sister, Patti, her husband, Tom, and I went to a popular Mexican restuarant. As we were leaving, the conversation turned to the topic of the beans we had eaten and the what time of night we were all going to have. As we were getting into our car, Bill jumped back out, his backside facing the car parked next to us, and let, out one hell of a bodacious butt burp (ok, ok...he FARTED) The car alarm on the car started going off.

Now, my question: Was the car "that sensitive" or was Bill just really that powerful? I'm glad I wasn't standing behind him!!

Karmyn R said...

That is too annoying!

In college, one of my girlfriends broke up with this guy who was completely paranoid about his car (so he had the alarm on ultra-sensitive). One night she hid in the bushes and threw Grapes at it just so she could watch him run outside in his underwear to check on his car). She did it all night long. Pure satisfaction for her - I'm sure the neighbors were hating her.

Tara said...

This exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago. No wind, just some kids who kept setting it off. And the people who the car belonged to were passed out drunk inside. It rang for three hours before they turned it off. Hmph.

ElaineMI said...

We had a house alarm go off for 2 weeks, while the owners were gone on vacation. Talk about frustrating!! The police wouldn't/couldn't do anything about it because nobody was breaking in and the only thing they would do, when the owner returned, was issue a Disturbing the Peace citation. Big deal!!

Heather said...

Nancy: I don't think the alarm was too sensitive- the wind was really THAT strong (it blew down a townhouse that was under construction). I'm working on beating the cold too.

elainemi: yikes!

Kamryn R: That is HILARIOUS! She'd be forgiven after telling that story if I were his neighbour.

Tara: Yikes! After three hours I'm pretty sure I'd have called in the cops.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Since car alarms all sound alike, how can they do any good?

We had an experience exactly like Elainemi's - our neighbors were away and their burglar alarm went off. After a few hours, I called the police, who couldn't do anything. It was deafening and absolutely maddening until it died a week later.

Thanks for visiting my blog! Yours is great, and I've bookmarked it. Hope you feel better soon.

TB said...

I hope you're feeling better, although sleepless nights listening to a car alarm can't be helping. Have you ever tried earplugs? They have made my insomnia much much better.

The Waghorns said...

I empathise with you. When we lived in Ottawa, because we lived in an apartment building there were forever car alarms going off. Fortunately they were usually 10 storeys below us, not mere metres away.

How about you suddenly take a shining to bad European electronica or perhaps angry, "I hate mom and dad" death metal.

Now there's class!

K said...

the turquise jetta with the white hair and the drug ring references were classic...

Heather said...

Heartinsanfrancisco: I have no idea why anyone has a car alarm anymore - they strike me as largely useless. I'd go bonkers listening to an alarm for a week! Thanks for bookmarking me - I'll do the same!

TB: Thanks for the well wishes. I used to use earplugs in university when I was studying (I'm easily distracted) but I'm not sure where they are now. I should probably find some and keep them in the bathroom from now on.

the waghorns: I used to live on the 6th floor of an apartment in Ottawa, so the car alarm thing isn't new to me. I'd use revenge music if only I thought there was a chance she'd hear it.

k: Thanks!