Sunday, July 30, 2006

Homebuying Tips from the 'shwa

For anyone who might be in the market, I have just one tip about buying a house. It's very simple. I'll even put it in bold, and all caps.



No matter how pretty the house is, or how perfect it is otherwise. Run away. Do not buy it, simply run away. Such wallpaper is the work of the devil. It will cause you to invent swear words at an alarming rate. It will not only defy gravity butall laws of decorating decency, and mock you as it stays in place despite your hacking at it with a scraper and dousing it with vinegar and water.

This is even more the case when the previous owner who did this work (now known colloquially as "fucknut" or "jerkface" or "asshat") put a fresh coat of polyfill down before putting the wallpaper up, WITHOUT ANY PRIMER so now it just becomes on sticky, gooey, annoying, piss-off.

For now, I'll get back to my margarita breakfast (yes, really) before the dogs are successful at drinking it on me (yes, they've tried), and back to stripping wallpaper off the ceiling and helping Dave with the re-plastering job, which, when it is done, dried, and sanded, we will paint and prime like normal people.


mamatulip said...

Who the hell puts wallpaper on the ceiling?!

Dave said...

The idiots who lived here before us... emphasis on the idiots part.

Sara said...

People in the 1960's and 1970's.
They did it here too.
I think crack was more plentiful in those days. Either that or just regular bad judgment, not induced by crack.
I feel your pain.

Jenny said...

I didn't even know you COULD put wallpaper on the ceiling.

That's insane.

ElaineMI said...

I can add to that, I will never buy a house that has wallpaper on the walls....PERIOD!! It is there for a reason and usually that reason is to hide something a hole in the wall, mold, a really really REALLY bad paint job. (We had one room, that after we took the wallpaper down, it had 5 colors of paint on it, going round in circles, lines. If I want wallpaper, I'll put it up myself. Otherwise, I'm RUNNING from any house from here on.

ElaineMI said...

OH....about getting that crud off the wall/ceiling. Either buy or rent a black and decker wallpaper steamer. It's WONDERFUL. You put water in it, let it warm up, hold it against the wallpaper for a couple of seconds and it steams it off. Just need a scraper to peel it off. If I was closer, I'd lend you mine

Heather said...

Mamatulip: What dave said. They're the same people who PAINT said wallpaper. Gah! Your outrage is appreciated.

Sara: This must've been bad 80s coke.

Jenny: Apparently you can. It will look hideous and you will cause subsequent homeowners to be very angry with you, but you can.

ElaineMI: Thanks for the steamer offer; I think because it's been painted you can't use a steamer on it (especially when it's above your head). So far vinegar, water, swearing and the paper tiger seem to be doing the trick.

Anonymous said...

sAnother fine idea would be to "shag" rug the ceiling, complete with the right carpet glue!
Renovations...the "r" word. Something you should only do once in your life.


Mrs. Chicky said...

Oh my christ... Wallpaper on the ceiling? What the heck were they thinking?

Hope you enjoyed your margarita breakfast. If you slip some to the dogs they behave better. Sure they stumble a bit, but they're so well mannered after a drinky-poo. Not that I'm advocating getting your dog drunk. Nooo....

Mama C-ta said...

We're entering the world of home searching and this has been duly noted.

Seriously, on the ceiling??

Heather said...

Mrs. Chicky: yeah. I didn't believe it myself either. Didn't realize it was painted either until we started working on stripping it.

Of course, I'd know nothing about dogs and booze. For example, it certainly never happened that one of the dogs drank an entire glass of red wine one night as a puppy, stumbled around, and passed out cold for a few hours.

Mama C-Ta: Yeah, seriously! On the ceiling! To say nothing of the terrible wallpaper they put on the walls. Thanks for stopping by!

(and, as an aside, is "terrible wallpaper" a superlative? I think wallpaper in and of itself is terrible, but brown and golden-ey vinyl flowers have a special level of terrible associated with them).

lildb said...

dude. wallpaper? on the CEILING?

what the fuck?

I'm so sorry. for you. for your partner. for the lack of brain cells in the heads of the "people" who chose to commit such a heinous act.