Saturday, February 11, 2006

Introspection is my specialty

Dave has often told me that if I were a dog I'd be a golden retriever. Now, before you get your panties in a knot it's not insult, and I think he has a point. Their personalities are loyal, smart, and friendly, and they love nothing more than to play fetch repeatedly. Plus, when my hair is highlighted just so I can pass for a dirty blonde. :)

Why? I go over things repeatedly in my head just like a golden retriever retrieves things. It's not a bad thing, it's the way I am.

This going-over-everything-in-my-head trait is really only true of emotional things and editing. I only wish it applied to being a neat freak, but sadly, our house in its current state clearly demonstrates aptly that neither of us are neat freaks.

I find that I constantly analyze, re-analyze, and re-analyze when my emotions are at play. I re-hash conversations, sometimes come up with wicked comebacks, though unfortunately, I do that well after the point that they're useful. I have an almost insatiable need to talk things over (and over, and over, and over) to gather the input of people close to me to consider their opinions and see where mine fit. I have no idea why I do it, but I definitely do it. It's why picking a wedding dress was so hard and I brought an entourage of 4 along with me.

I've done a lot of the retriever thing lately with everything that's been happening. For the first time I can think of, this retriever behaviour is bothering me.

Instead of being all excited to have left employment at the 7th circle of hell I am rehashing things and telling people what I really think of them one last time in my head. I should be carefree and excited about the new job and having a week off.

I should be celebrating not having to deal with the likes of them, and instead I'm defending myself in my head to people who are of no importance to me. Working there has shaken my confidence in myself. Why should I spoil a perfectly wonderful (but chilly) Saturday morning being angry with people who, thankfully, are no longer in my life?! And yet I find my self doing it continually! Grrr!

I wish it would warm up so I could go for a run and exhaust myself and just gain the head space I seem to need right now and am sometimes able to find in exercise. Maybe this afternoon I'll have a minute to pull out my yoga mat from the depths of the basement and do a yoga tape and that will cure what ails me. In the meantime I'm feeling rather crankypants and we're off to get some more cat and dog food and run a few other errands.

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