Am both disturbed by and laughing at the following

So I haven't felt like posting much lately. Nothing's wrong - in fact things are great, I just haven't been too bloggy of late. I'm sure I'll be back soon enough to regale you with tales of my none-too-exciting life, but in the meantime, check out what the site meter dragged in. People actually found my blog using these keywords.
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rub and tug durham region: Sure, I even know the address! Just turn yourself in, uh, I mean, go to, 77 centre street north in Oshawa and they'd be happy to help! I hear they give great ones there.

how to paint stairway: Well, uh, I'd recommend using a brush, or roller, and paint. If not, hire someone.

children hearing things that are not said: You mean like those dog whistles? That only dogs can hear? Do children have frequencies only they can hear? Oh wait! maybe this a philosophical question, about the zen nature of children hearing things that are unsaid? Spiritual? Hah you can tell I sucked at philosophy (but kept taking more courses for some unknown and unexplainable reason) in undergrad.

neo citran can damage due baby if i pregnant: I'm not sure about the side effects of neo citran, but I am positive that bad sentence structure is a serious threat to fetuses.

died from his hemmorrhoids: I guess it's possible... but probably only if you spell hemmorrhoid right, so I'd guess you're safe. But see a doctor just in case. Whatever you do, please note they aren't really considered polite dinner conversation when company is over.

bridesmaid dress for over wait people: Dresses for the impatient? This is what I need. I have the patience of a fruit fly and the attention span of a gnat.

show how husband chewing her partners breasts in bed room: I'd like to think the person who googled this has an "english as a second language" issue going on here, because chewing just doesn't sound like it'd end in anything but "husband" next googling "treatment for very sore testicles."

sonotube cat: No idea what you would feed it, but it'd probably be cheaper to feed than Rhett, though not nearly as affectionate.

can fingerprints be found on christmas trees: I don't want to know what this person did to need to know the answer to that, but if you remember the movie fargo, then remember all is cleansed in a wood chipper.