Friday, February 09, 2007

Stop the presses!

There are conspiracy theories swirling abound. Insipid tales of drug use! overdose! People talk of murder! suicide! and wild tales of trying to kill someone for their money. So many men in the picture (including Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband!), all saying different things about her death and what or who caused it. Jilted billionaires reaching from the grave to plot revenge! BabyDaddies everywhere vying for her money! Seedy lawyers! (I can type that because I am one) making underhanded deals! taking advantage of her.

Ignore them. Ignore them all. I know what really happened. The tragic scenario that played out was in fact much simpler. I'm sure investigators will confirm it soon enough.

I know what killed Anna Nicole Smith.

Someone dared her to do a headstand, and, being a girl of her word, when she tried it, her enormous silicone breasts violently lept forward, hitting her in the throat and crushing her windpipe.

P.S. This is why I was really good at playing clue as a kid

P.P.S. I know she has a kid, and I'm an insentive jerk to be making fun of her at such a time, blah blah blah. I do have a heart, really. (it's just a little blackened and two sizes to small at the moment)

P.P.P.S. I hope Dannielynn finds the peace her mum and brother never found.


mamatulip said...

I read a theory that sounds almost as fucked up as this whole story: that her devoted lawyer, Howard K. Stern, killed her son first and then her in order to try and get closer to the fortune she hasn't yet inherited from that 90 year-old guy she married for a year back in the 90s.

It's so crazy it might just be plausable.

sweatpantsmom said...

Ooh, mamatulip - I haven't heard that one yet, but it's just creepy enough to be true.

Teena said...

This story keeps getting weirder and weirder, doesn't it? Now Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband said he's been having an affair with her for the last ten years!

TB said...

It's really tragic that every single person in her life just used her and threw her away. I'm not saying she was a saint, but clearly she needed help that she never got from the people in her life who supposedly loved her.

Surviving Motherhood said...

I love this theory! the best yet and completely plausible.

Heather said...

mamatulip: It wouldn't surprise me - something about that lawyer dude just ain't right.

sweatpantsmom: I think creepy is exactly the right word.

teena: No kidding! I just about fell over laughing when i heard that one... and now it may be the old billionaire's kid?

tb: Very true, though I kinda wonder if she didn't do some using herself.

surviving motherhood: Thanks! Just remember you heard it here first!

Her Bad Mother said...

It's hard to NOT joke; it's just so absurd.

Ditto on your PPPS.

Jamila Akil said...

I feel sorry for Dannielynn. Her mom and brother are dead and she has got all these buzzards flying around trying to figure out which of them is her dad and if they can get their grubby hands on her money. It'll be a miracle if she grows up to be a normal adult.