Tuesday, August 01, 2006

'Shwa tidbits

Yeah the humidity here made it feel like 48 degrees outside today (118.4F for you Fahrenheit people). Without the humidity it was a mild 38 (100.4F). Pretty sure I could've baked a cake in my car while I was at work today. Mmm cake. Stupid afterthoughts.

If this weather keeps up I think my slurpee habit will get outta control.

We're getting married in T-25 days. I hope the weather is nicer by then. The slurpee habit is probably not helping me with the whole "wear low back wedding dress" thing I planned for myself. Hah what was I thinking? Ah well, too late now!

Oh and the chickie doing my make-up for the wedding? I called the other night to touch base. She's a friend of my mum's friend. I kinda figure it'd be a good idea to get a trial run lest it look like I was shot by the make-up gun Homer invented on the Simpsons.

The call goes something like this:

Me: Hi! May I speak to [make-up chickie]

Male voice: Hi Heather! Uh she's not here right now.

Me: [baffled. no idea how dude knows my name. Ok it's probably caller id but dude! that's freaky! Why is this random dude knowing my name and acting like we're buddies.] Oh, okay. Is there a more convenient time I could call her back?

Male voice: Yeah hi, it's Paul. She's just stepped out to get some dinner for the family. [young kids screaming in background, I look at my watch. Yeah it's 9:30 at night. I'd be screaming too if I hadn't had dinner]

Me: [still baffled. no idea who Paul dude is.] Uh... ok

Paul: Actually I know you. Remember me? [hmm not ringing any bells] I'm a friend of Bob's. We went to high school together.

Me: [Ok I'll bite. Hamster wheel in head turning, picking up speed. Who the hell is this Paul dude who knows me from high school through Bob? .... Heeeeeey! Wait just a freaking minute! YOU'RE THE GUY WHO USED TO STALK ME IN HIGH SCHOOL. You used to show up randomly at my work until my bosses would ask you to leave! You used to call my house all the time after I told you not to call! You used to come up behind me in the hall and tickle me and scare the crap out of me. I used to elbow you in the groin/ribs for doing it! You used to come over and sit with me on the bus and I'd change seats! Gah you still sound creepy! I should've had you charged with criminal harassment!] Oh right! Paul. How are you doing?

Paul: Sooooooo I hear you're getting married. [and he said married like maaaa-reeeeed, like you did in public school to tease someone]

Me: [yeah! and not to you, captain insane-o!] Yeah I am. [oh man why do things like this happen to me?]. Really looking forward to it.

Paul: Me? [Make-up chickie and I] have three kids. [yeah I figured it was either kids or a pack of rabid hyenas at a kill site in the background]

Me: Oh. That's great. Good for you. They sound like a lot of fun [or that they may in fact had just moved on to decapitating each other in very close proximity to the phone. Seriously. Someone feed these kids. It sounds like they're starting playing that Mayan ball game where the winning team loses their heads in some sort of ritual sacrifice]

Paul: so what are you doing now?

Me: Oh just working, that kinda stuff. No kids.

Paul: I work at [a factory known, oddly enough, for sexual harassment] building [things].

Me: Oh that's great. Good for you. [awkward pause] So is there a good time I can reach [make-up chickie]?

Paul: Uh yeah. She should be back soon.

Me: Ok I'll try her again later! thanks!


I haven't called her back.


Ceiling? Almost de-wallpapered. Go Dave!


mamatulip said...

Okay, I'm sure it wasn't actually an enjoyable experience for you, but I've had the worst fucking day ever and that whole Paul conversation had me laughing out loud, literally.

Thanks. :)

lildb said...

er, YIKES.

AND, yiiiiiikes.

grody (remember saying that?).

please find a new make-up artist. stat. I'm scared for you, now. she may have some latent jealousy for you as the girl her husband was once obsessed with, and might totally sabotage your wedding. nooo.

also, along with Mama Tulip, I also found this hilarious. but frightening.

Izzy said...

Oh geez..creepy much, dude?

You're getting a new make up artist, right? lol

ElaineMI said...

I'm usually appalled that these physco fiends are allowed to breed. Isn't there a law somewhere?

DebbieDoesLife said...

Scary. So, are you using make-up chickie or finding someone else?

Heather said...

mamatulip: it was more weird than creepy. Your posts often make me laugh so glad I could return the favour.

lildb: yeah, grody is a fanstaic word. I'm not sure that with being this close to the wedding we can find another person. He won't know where I live so no worries.

izzy: hah yeah it was more weird (I'd mostly forgotten about him) than creepy, so probably not getting a new makeup person unless the trial run makes me look like I got shot with Homer Simpson's gun set to "whore."

elaineMI: I fully believe the stupid people are out-brededing the smart ones right now. (could be because I work in a court though)

Debbiedoeslife: nah, it should be fine. I'm pretty easygoing and know lotsa cops if he gets all bizarro.

Whinger said...

Oh nooooooooooooooooooooo.
Time to wander on down to the Mac counter and see who does the best makeup there and just hire that person.
No need for potential stalkers on the big day. :)

Mrs. Chicky said...

Oh no! Creepy guy! Run away, run far away.

Hope you got the name of another make-up person.

Nancy said...

I'm hoping it was just a baaaad night for her family. :-)

Heather said...

Whinger: the MAC counter is more than an hour from where we'll be getting married and they book months in advance.

Mrs. Chicky: Nah, she's cheap and I'm brave. I could still kick his ass if I wanted/needed to.

Nancy: I am too, really.