Saturday, June 10, 2006

Dear smoke detector,

I have to say I love that you just hang out on our ceiling, hiding some of the hideous wallpaper that some weenie decided to put up. I love that you're all about warning us about our house burning down and are ready to scream to alert us should such an a horrible thing occur.

I did not, however, appreciate the whole "my battery is dead" blasts at three o'clock this morning. Especially after a really long day, where I've finally managed to fall asleep. It was even worse because Dave's not home so I can't just nudge him to fix it. In short, the whole "beep at ear shattering decibels every few seconds" was really poor timing on your part last night. It's like you knew I'm about two inches short of being able to reach you.

And really, it would be nice if you just kinda agreed to open up and drop your battery when I frustratedly bonked you with a broom handle I retrieved from downstairs. You seemed to cooperate fully with Dave last time he did that. But, you just continued to beep at me like I was some insane idiot for suggesting you open up when being poked with a broom. So, I traipsed downstairs again, in my birthday suit a second time to locate the step stool, and finally managed to pull you apart from your mount, take your battery out, and go back to bed.

In future I hope that you'll realize when the fancy new 9V battery I bought you is running out of power at a more suitable hour.

Sincerely,
Cranky Heather

P.S. If you're reading this I hope you have smoke detectors on all levels of your house with working batteries. Vacuum them clean once in a while too, I hear they like that.

17 comments:

mamatulip said...

Our smoke detector goes off at the drop of a hat. Like, when my neighbours are bbq'ing. Good times.

Heather said...

mamatulip: wow that'd suck!

HolyMama! said...

ahhh, but do you have to vaccuum them in the nude, too?

:D

Heather said...

Holymama: Only on Wednesdays.

jen said...

Hi Heather,

Please feel free to steal my "Don't use Jesus..." sticker thingie. I kinda stole it (but modified it slightly) from somewhere too. (Don't remember where exactly)

Spread the word!

Oh and cats rock!

roro said...

Oh my god, this made me laugh so hard. I fear our "Screaming Klaxon of Death" smoke detector so much that I'll often avoid cooking, just in case I burn something and the thing goes off. I hope you've recovered and that your ears have stopped bleeding.

Izzy said...

Ours does that beep-beep-beep shit, too. But reading this makes me kind of thankful it's only in the hall and kitchen rather than my bedroom. Acccccck!

Heather said...

Jen: I may do just that. (for everyone else Jen has a little thing on her site that says "Don't use Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded bigotted asshole.":)

Roro: I spit iced tea out when I read "screaming klaxon of death." When the insurance fire inspector comes tomorrow I'm totally telling him we have "screaming klaxons of death" installed on every floor.

Izzy: Ours is in the hall too, but our house is so small it sounds like it's right up against our ears.

ElaineMI said...

Those blasted things never go off except at 3 a.m. I think it has something to do with Murphy's Law.

mommy on the verge said...

Oh, it scares my girls silly when I burn something and the fire dectector goes off...well, at least you knows yours is working!

elaine said...

Mine likes to go off while I'm in the shower. I think it goes "Well obviously she's enjoying a nice long hot shower...I think I'll wreck it by becoming a screaming klaxon of death so that she'll have to get out of the shower."

Must be related to roro's...

Nancy said...

In my experience the smoke detector batteries ALWAYS die at 3:00 AM. I swear they are programmed that way!

Sara said...

Anyone who wallpapers there ceiling should be drawn and quartered.

Jesus made me say that.

TB said...

It ALWAYS happens at three in the morning. There must be some kind of rule. Also usually when my husband is out of town so I wake up disoriented thinking it's the burglar alarm. That's fun.

Jay said...

Yeah, we have to dismantle ours every time we use a skillet. It's very sensitive.

Heather said...

elainemi: murphy and his laws

Mommy on the verge: they're probably a good noise to fear but the false alarms do get annoying!

elaine: Hah that is a good trick. I just hope mine doesn't pick up that idea.

Nancy: i think it's a battery company-smoke detector company conspiracy thing.

Sara: I'm sure there is some obscure passage in the bible about "thou shalt not wallpaper ceilings" that may not have made it from papyrus to print. It's too bad, 'cause so many people will face eternal damnation for something so preventable.

TB: We seem to have the same alarm/spouse is away pattern. We really don't have anything worth stealing though, so no burglar alarm here.

Jay: I used to rent a house with roommates that was like that... luckily ours is far enough away it only goes off when I really muck up on the stove.

Pendullum said...

Ahhhh...

Know it well...

Only thing that is better with that... is my dog barking and waking up my daughter along with the alarm, me naked in the hallway, cursing and my daughter telling me that I am 'not being very nice' to the smoke detector... or our yapping dog....